BDSM, for the uninitiated, tends to call to mind a Fifty Shades of Grey-type relationship, between an experienced authoritarian male Dom and a naive female submissive. However, there are a multitude of different power dynamics and relationship roles for kink that can be sexual, non-sexual, or a mix of both.
In fact, there are so many, we have only been able to focus on a few of the main types of submissives and Dominants below as an introduction to kinky BDSM relationships!
Dominants can sometimes get thrown into a general category of people who simply strive for control in sexual situations, however there are different types (and people can be different combinations of these types).
Some are sadists, enjoying the infliction of pain or humiliation of their partner (consensually) while others may enjoy the ritualistic aspect of certain acts. Some seek to be a teacher or a guide, nurturing kinky interest or acting as an authoritarian who wants to challenge their submissive to make changes and improve their life or change bad habits.
MASTER / MISTRESS
This is a rather wide category, as many people use these as titles for their Dominant. A Master or Mistress will expect varying degrees of compliance from their sub, and some may treat them as an object that is ignored unless needed, or want their sub ‘trained’ to anticipate their needs.
DADDY / MOMMY
A Daddy or Mommy Dominant has nothing to do with incest fantasies or anyone underage; it is simply a classification of Dom that is nurturing and affectionate to their ‘Little’ who may act out childishly.
Always a woman, the FemDom can have a male or female submissive, but will assume traditionally ‘male’ gender roles, whether 24/7 or only during sexual play. This may involve humiliation of a male partner as they are “forced” into feminine roles.
What exactly makes someone submissive? The first thing to realize is that submission doesn’t look the same for every person, or every relationship; submission can take many forms (all of which require trust in the Dominant) however they can largely be categorized into service, sexual, pain, or some combination of the above.
Service submissives spend their time anticipating their Dom’s needs to make them more comfortable, like making them tea or drawing baths, while sexual submissives make themselves available any time for any act (within pre-arranged hard limits). Pain submissives are generally not interested in other aspects of submission like humiliation, but are simply masochistic. You don’t have to be in a relationship to consider yourself submissive.
Submission can take the form of passivity or obedience in relation to any aspect of conduct and behavior. Submission can be to a partner in an interpersonal relationship, such as allowing the sex partner to initiate all sexual activity as well as setting the time and place and sex position. It can also be in relation to the type of sexual activity that the partners will engage in, including non-coital sex such as anal sex, or BDSM or sexual role play. Some sex acts require a woman to be passive while an active sex partner performs sex acts on her, and this may be seen as a form of submission. Obedience may be a part of a sexual role play or activity, and can also be in the relation to the style of dress, if any, or behavior or any other manner. In fact, any act that is performed on a passive woman, such as undressing her, may be regarded as submissive behavior on the part of the woman.
Submission may be manifested in a multitude of ways whereby a woman relinquishes sexual or personal control to another, such as acts of servitude, submission to humiliation or punishment such as erotic spanking, or other activities, at times in association with bondage. Female submission can take the form of engaging in sexual activity with a person other than her normal partner, as in the case of swinging (sometimes called wife swapping or wife lending), non-monogamy or prostitution. The level and type of submission can vary from person to person, and from one time to another. Some women choose to include occasional sexual submission in an otherwise conventional sex life. For example, a woman may adopt a submissive role during a sexual activity to overcome a sexual inhibition she may have. A woman may choose to submit full-time, becoming a lifestyle slave.
Some people derive erotic pleasure from the submissiveness of a sex partner, which they may regard as a turn-on; and some people regard obvious passivity as a form of feminine flirting or seduction. Some women submit to the sexual wishes of their partner for the pleasure of the partner, which may itself result in sexual pleasure for the submissive woman.
A slave is a form of submission in which the submissive gives over their own will entirely to their Master. It’s a more encompassing, more entire form of submission, in which the sub doesn’t set their own limits, their boundaries are set for them by their master or mistress. They act as though ‘owned’ by their master and may or may not be masochists, but collars are quite common in this M/s play.
Pet play―commonly pony, puppy or kitty play― can involve costumes and accessories like tails, cages, collars or leashes, but also can vary in terms of what the sub “gets out” of it. Some may enjoy the aspect of dehumanization and exhibitionism, while others may enjoy letting ‘loose’ and relaxing while their ‘Owner’ strokes or pets them. It is not related to bestiality whatsoever.
A little is an adult who adopts a role somewhat similar to a pet in that they look to their Dom for protection and care, however rather than assuming a role related to an animal, it tends to revolve around human age play. This type of power dynamic can often be nonsexual, but can involve a lot of dressing up and ‘childish’ activities, as well as being spoiled and punished by their Mommy/Daddy.
Sissification, or feminization, is a broader category that involves a (consenting) male partner to be “forced” into a “female” role, often with costumes like school girls or maids, and perform tasks that can be sexual or non-sexual but fulfill the traditional (and often outdated) role of a woman. The goal can be to humiliate the partner by making them a parody of a woman, or involve making them as act out a role as a beautiful femme.
A brat is a submissive who purposefully misbehaves or acts out in ways against their Dominant’s wishes. This can be for attention, to test limits, or provoke punishment. This may be because they enjoy the humiliation aspect of being punished, or for purely masochistic reasons.
In truth, as no two people are exactly alike, no two D/s relationships will look exactly the same, nor should they. Relationships of all types ―kinky or otherwise― involve communication of needs and expectations to make sure each partner is fulfilled. And, of course, it can be very fun exploring each role to see which fits you best!